Media for social change

what you all have done is a great tthing to aid and advise youths about what criminal activity will do, and how it will affect you in the long run and we got so many years in our lives to live, highschool, college, even after that we are just stepping into the adult world and to be involved in these activities, i admit fun as hell, as you know, don't last too long.

this is very interesting to myself, since i to this day struggle with identity, status, self esteem.   I been through it and  to listen and watch these videos you have such as "warrior boyz" i really looked into my past and started thinking n reminicin about the way i was brought up and alot of it links directly with what you have said about the early signs of gangs in regards to parental control.  I am 1st generation my parents were always out the house working, i was basically raised by my grandma.  i was raised in a white city, few natives a couple asians my age that was it.  so i know myself there were plenty of signs of me trying to reach out, to understand why im not like these other kids and we do things so culturally different at home, so i became a master social cameleon, i'd fit into any group and i never stayed too long with one group cause i was still searching for who i am.  my parents gave me so much support when it came to financials or accessories, but emotionally, its hard for me to remember my parents ever saying "good job".  i remember going through the suicidal thoughts becuase of being bullied at school and reaching out to my parents sometimes sticking a knife to my neck infront of them, and i guess parents still are learning on how to raise kids, so they did the best they can and i love and appreciate everything they have done and given me.  in that moment with the knife to my neck, my dad would say "do it, try it, cut yur hand a lil bit, i bet i would hurt too much yu wouldn't even be able to kill yourself, how dumb are you, your so stupid, waste your life like that, after i spent so much money on you raising you". my parents just never even got to the bottom of it or asked themselves, why? why would my son do such a thing, what is the problem he is having??

i played the copy cat, started to act tough and pick on kids myself, soon enoguh i was hanging out with the guys bullying me, that was the small beggining of goin with the crowd and sense of belonging, we go to bully kids as a group and laugh about, it felt good. i think lots of kids today don't receive no emotional support from parents, and being told your not good enough, or why aren't you doing good in school, creates the fear of dissapointment.  what i didn't learn was to become a leader, to stand up for myself, which i think is what most gangsters are today, followers. 

i laugh when i think of these things now, simple things when i first started hanging out with drug dealers and gangsters, i was out of highschool, i started late, but i jumped straight into the deepend, no point to start slow i was already behind, this was my mentality.  above all i wasn't even really consious of what i was doing, because i was never taught to be a leader.  my close friends told me, you shouldn't be doing this work for them, stick to your legit job, but hell, that felt like my parents telling me to do good in school so blank that out.  i felt so great being around these guys, supporting me laughing with me saying good job after we make some money together. I would hear them say to eachother "he's good kid, works hard, good worker, doesn't bitch" i think they said it intenionally so i would hear, of course confidence boost, higher self esteem. then what came with that was the free drugs, free booze, girls, nice cars, money, friendship, a brotherhood a "ride or die" mentality we shared together.  they were my family.

since i was never taught to be a leader and stand up for myself it never clicked in, even when the handcuffs were on my hands, that i was doing some criminal activity, i kept on the grind, kept hustling and only up until the months before my trail, when the money wasn't as good and the loyalty and what i had started to fade away through jealousy n greed did i feel the guilt, do i feel the hardship of what i have done and the deepest feeling of dissapointing my family, or as asians would say "lose face", i lost face for my entire family i felt.  to this day  it is so hard for me to get a job, even excluding the criminal record, i feel that i am too good for minimum paying jobs, i can't see myself working these jobs, i don't want people to see me working these jobs. there's no status, what do you belong to, but i'm building path and creating myself.  im really glad and proud of you guys for taking the time to make a difference in out society.  it will help mold the minds of the youths to become more aware and make those consious decisions when in the moment and felt by the fire, to either stay away from it,  get burned by it and never go back rather than, just becoming another log in the fire and slowly burn into ash; nothing.